Dementia & Suicidal Depression

Today I’m home from the hospital. I had a stay of five days in a psychiatric hospital for depression

with suicidal ideation. I’m no stranger to stays in psychiatric hospital because of my bipolar but I could tell there was something different about this depression. It was not the norm of my bipolar depression. And I hadn’t had depressive episode in almost a year. This felt different.

To give you a glimpse into my world of depression I call it the Nothing Feeling. I never see the episodes coming. They sneak up on me. But when they make their presence known it’s too late and I am at their mercy. You would think after 40 years by now I would be able to spot them a mile away. Maybe my brain just becomes too weak and unable to recognize them; depression. 

I would feel nothing. I call it the Nothing Feeling. There is no happiness. No joy. No sadness. Not even depression. Absolutely nothing. Calling it depression gives it no justice. I wouldn’t want to exist. I wouldn’t want to die either.

Thinking is all but non-existent. Imagine trying to think feeling nothing? It’s impossible. What minimal thinking I can muster up is reduced to thinking how you don’t want to do anything.
And that’s what I do. Nothing. Exhaustion sets in and even rolling over in the bed I have secluded myself to is a chore. It is where I would spend most of the day with low music in the background. I listen to Standards 90% of time and it seems to fit the occasion. It’s just to have something fill my mind. 

That is the trap my mind is in during my depressions.

More on Hallucinations & Delusions

Last night I had the privilege of enjoying a quiet evening with my mother and grandmother at my home baking cooking and making dinner. It was a special time for me since I hadn’t had the chance to do this with my own children in a couple of years. It had been a tradition of our to do. We would stay up late, put Christmas cartoons on, and start making Christmas cookies. The kitchen would be a mess. But last night was July 1, 2015 and my grandmother passed away over two years ago.

I learned much of my cooking abilities from my grandmother. She taught me all of her secrets and was constantly giving me nifty little kitchen gadget. She always had a story to go with every scenario. She passed while living in a home. That night we laughed and baked as we decorated cookies. I got the privilege of writing down many of her recipes before the night was over. And it was double special for me. I haven’t been able to follow this same tradition with my own children in over two years. We had always put on Christmas cartoons or music followed by spreading out of the cooking making materials making a mess. By the time we were done the kitchen looked as if the Keebler Elf tree had been up rooted in my kitchen.

I became frantic the next day when I couldn’t find my recipes I copied. I searched everywhere. They were grandmother’s and I didn’t want to lose them. But I never wrote them down to lose them. I asked my wife about them and she never saw them and my mom never came by.

Dementia is a group of symptoms of many different complex conditions. Dementia affects the part of the brain that is responsible for our perceptions, what we see, hear, taste and smell, the cerebral cortex of the brain. The cerebral cortex is responsible for how an individual perceives a situation and how he or she responds.

Individuals suffering from dementia will experience a range of emotions and express thoughts which appear real to them at the moment. Even though these thoughts are typically imaginary or made up, they evoke feelings that are very real to the person and often times causes extreme anxiety, panic or fear.

Dementia & Bipolar: What's the connection?

I’ve never been silent to the fact that I’m also bipolar. Even today in late 2015 there is still much stigma against being mentally ill but, I refuse to buy into societies discrimination's. So I wear my diagnosis  of bipolar proudly. 

Much of the stigma stems from lack of understanding symptoms. There are three major forms of Bipolar; Bipolar 1, Bipolar 2 and Cyclothymia.  According to World Health Organization, Bipolar disorder is the sixth leading cause of disability in the world. Bipolar disorder affects approximately 5.7 million adult Americans or about 2.6 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older every year, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. Bipolar Disorder has faces various episodes of symptoms like Mood Episode, Manic Episode, Depressive Episode and/ or Mixed Episode.

• Bipolar I Disorder (mania or a mixed episode) – The classic manic-depressive form of the illness, characterized by at least one manic episode or mixed episode. Bipolar I Disorder also involves at least one episode of depression.
• Bipolar II Disorder (hypomania and depression) – In Bipolar II disorder, the person doesn’t experience full-blown manic episodes. Instead, the illness involves episodes of hypomania and severe depression.
• Cyclothymia (hypomania and mild depression) – Cyclothymia is a milder form of bipolar disorder. It consists of cyclical mood swings. However, the symptoms are less severe than full-blown mania or depression

Symptoms of bipolar disorder are described below.

Symptoms of mania or a manic episode	Symptoms of depression or a depressive episode	Symptoms of hypomania or hypomanic episode
A long period of feeling "high," or an overly happy or outgoing mood Extremely irritable mood, agitation, feeling "jumpy" or "wired Talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another, having racing thoughts Being easily distracted Increasing goal-directed activities, such as taking on new projects Being restless Sleeping little Having an unrealistic belief in one's abilities Behaving impulsively and taking part in a lot of pleasurable, high-risk behaviors, such as spending sprees, impulsive sex, and impulsive business investments.	A long period of feeling worried or empty Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, including sex. Feeling tired or "slowed down" Having problems concentrating, remembering, and making decisions Being restless or irritable Changing eating, sleeping, or other habits Thinking of death or suicide, or attempting suicide.	Feel euphoric, energetic, and productive To others looks like they are unusually happy.  Hypomania is a less severe form of mania They are able to carry on with their day-to-day lives and they never lose touch with reality But may lead to bad decisions that harm relationships, careers, and reputations Often escalates to full-blown mania or is followed by a major depressive episode

 What does this have to do with Parinson’s let alone with dementia you all may be asking? Well, when it comes to bipolar according to your loved one’s, you, the person with bipolar, can never just have a bad day. You can never just be upset about something. If you get mad because your daughter left food sitting out all night and you feel it’s your duty as a father to say something and be aggravated then its other people’s duty to give you the, “everyone makes mistakes honey,” speech. You’re not entitled to have a bad day because you have the possibility of making it into more than a bad day.

You can’t even enjoy being in a really good moods without being suspected of being up to something. You must have ulterior motives with a plan.

So it goes on with dementia. The accusations of playing the game of being senile while in fact you have less than your full capacities. Why would anyone subject themselves to those stigmas and criticisms is beyond me. I’ve lived a full life of being criticized as being fake at being bipolar. How dare I even think to pretend to have dementia. “He’s too smart. He know’s better. He’s just trying to get attentions.” I’ve written bills and measurements for my state representative to be heard before our senate. I’ve drafted two different proclamations for three years that my stat governor has signed. Yet I’ve landed myself in the psychiatric ward of a hospital ten times. I’ve heard some doozies of speculations of theories regarding my behavior behind my bipolar. And I can promise you that it has baffled no one more than it has baffled myself.

And the same on goes for dementia. You know the old saying, “We treat people how we want them to treat us?” Many people with dementia get treated like children. So they act like children to that person and typically only to that person. It’s degrading not only to the person with dementia but also to the caregiver. It tells us you don’t have the capacity to relate to another human being on your level or above. So you have to step over them in order to make yourself feel superior.

But that person with dementia may act out and if so it’s not the dementia and it’s not defiance. They are simply demanding respect.

Another problem I have that I’ve been told, “Oh your forgetting again.” Our information we hold in our brains is just as important to a conversation as anyone’s else’s. To be told that what you bring to a conversation isn’t important to the point that it doesn’t even need to be brought up is flat out mean and disrespectful. If you include a person with dementia in your group whether it’s the table or any other group, engage with them completely. Otherwise you make them feel second class and unworthy to be there.

Dementia care has a lot in common with bipolar care. The two diseases have a lot in common in themselves. Both hit home to end with the quote people may forget what you do for them, but they will never forget how you make them feel.