I’ve achieved numerous milestones in my lifetime from
boyhood to adulthood. I got my first job at 16. I got my drivers license at 17.
I went to college during my senior year of high school and went on to earn a
bachelor of science in psychology and spent a short time in the field. I got
married and fathered three children. I’ve been married twice and now to a
wonderful wife with a step-daughter who I care for as my own. I spent twenty
years in the restaurant business learning the ins and outs of it. I became a
pretty good cook doing so.
I’ve also reached a few milestones I would’ve rather done
without. But with the grace of God and His strength I overcame years of
alcoholism and anorexia in my past. For years I self medicated my bipolar when
my medications wouldn’t work with alcohol that almost cost me my marriage. I
went through a nasty custody battle that caused me to feel out of control and
as a means to find some form of it I fell victim to anorexia for six years. But
by finding my renewed relationship with God He restored me and I can add the
milestones of recovery to my list.
With the diagnosis of Parkinson’s and dementia I’m making a
new list to mark off. A list of losses. I’m only 40 and I haven’t driven in over
five years. February 18, 2010 was the last day I drove. I no longer even have a
license. I remember my wife and I having “the talk” with my neurologist about
me driving. It was the first step of losing my independence. I don’t drive
because it’s too dangerous. I can’t react fast enough and I get lost. I get
disoriented and confused. I’ll admit I’ve driven our car a couple of miles
illegally a couple of times, but we won’t tell everyone about it. But for me to
drive on a regular basis is too dangerous.
I’ve accepted my diagnoses. I’ve faced reality by now. I can
count that on my faith. I have found peace. But it wasn’t always that way. For
a while it was depressing. For a while I was angry. The loss of independence is
very life shattering. You lose your identity. You are no longer who you were.
You are less of the person of who you were. You are broken. Unfixable.
Childish. A burden. It is a pain that comes and goes with each and every loss.
